Rules for life

Before you all go running for cover, this isn’t what you think it is!!

This is simply a list of rules that I’ve been tweeting over the last couple of months.  I haven’t used them all yet but this is the full list … at least until I come up with some more!

#1: You’re born, you live, you die … you just have to figure out what you want to do in between.

#2: Yawning is the body’s way of saying ‘10% Battery Remaining’.

#3: You can’t be late until you show up.

#4: Just when you think you’ve got the answer … someone changes the question.

#5: Growing old is mandatory, but growing up is optional.

#6: Don’t run from a sniper. You’ll only die tired.

#7: There are very few problems that cannot be solved by a suitable application of high explosives.

#8: An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough.

#9: DON’T make decisions when you’re angry and DON’T make promises when you’re happy.

#10: When finding someone to date, drinking compatibility is more important than you think.

#11: Love your enemies. It will confuse them!

#12: If you’ve made it to thirty-five and your job still requires you to wear a name tag, you’ve made a serious vocational error

#13: There are seven billion people in this world … don’t let one ruin your day!

#14: When in doubt, mumble.

#15: Dates in your calendar are closer than they appear.

#16: Keep the dream alive … hit the snooze button.

#17: There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither one works.

#18: If you give a person a fish you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use Facebook and they won’t bother you for weeks.

#19: If you try and fail, you should erase all evidence that you tried.

#20: Women are like roads: the more curves they have, the more dangerous they are.

#21: All men are born free and equal. If they go and get married, that’s their own fault.

#22: Don’t make eye contact while eating a banana.

#23: Knowledge is power … if you know it about the right person.

#24: Duct tape is like violence: If it’s not working, you’re not using enough of it.

#25: Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

#26: Knowledge is knowing that pepper is a fruit. Wisdom is knowing not to put it in fruit salad.

#27: Forgive your enemies, but remember their names.

#28: Never go to bed angry. Stay up and plot your revenge.

#29: Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

#30: Girls are never wrong. Until they are … then they cry … and are, somehow, not wrong again.

#31: Using a remote control is the closest thing most of us will get to being wizards.

#32: Before you give somebody a piece of your mind, be sure you can get by with what you have left.

#33: If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

#34: In a perfect world you’d be able to mark people as spam in real life.

#35: True laziness is being excited when plans get cancelled.

#36: “Come with me if you want to live” is a great line for a movie … not so good when used during sex!

#37: What doesn’t kill you could come back to finish the job, so keep your wits about you.

#38: Women don’t hit harder. They just hit lower.

#39: Embrace your problems … and then make them somebody else’s.

#40: The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the one who is doing it.

#41: Nothing’s more expensive than a woman who is free on the weekend.

#42: Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass … it’s about learning to dance in the rain.

#43: The lazy rule: Can’t reach what you dropped? … then you don’t need it.

#44: You will know no greater panic than when you’re trying to press ‘End Call’ after dialling accidentally.

#45: Friends come and friends go … enemies accumulate.

#46: Trust that little voice in your head that says “Wouldn’t it be interesting if …”; and then do it.

#47: Take up pessimism … you will either be right or pleasantly surprised.

#48: When you’re talking to someone who is really attractive, the odds of you doing something stupid are multiplied by 100.

#49: Everything you do will be at least 100 times louder when you’re trying not to wake anyone up.

#50: Don’t say anything mean about people who can’t read … write it down instead.

#51: Just because you’re paranoid, it doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.

#52: Never take a bullet for anyone – if you have time to jump in front of the bullet, they have time to get out of the way.

#53: A good friend will take you to the hospital if you fall into a coma. A great friend will draw a moustache on you on the way.

#54: We don’t stop laughing because we grow old; We grow old because we stop laughing.

#55: Criticism is the best sign you’re onto something.

#56: Winning will always attract losers with opinions.

#57: Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

#58: You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

#59: If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

#60: If you can stay calm while all around you is chaos, then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.

#61: Sometimes too much to drink isn’t enough.

#62: On a first date, don’t let on that the cost of the meal worries you.

#63: Never make someone a priority in your life when you are only an option.

#64: A woman is a highly developed, deeply intelligent, infinitely complicated being … she needs to be carefully tricked into doing things.

#65: Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics.

#66: All people have the right to stupidity but far too many people abuse that privilege!

#67: Don’t be afraid of the dark … be afraid of what’s in the dark.

#68: Don’t fry bacon naked.

#69: The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.

#70: You don’t learn much when your lips are moving, so never miss a good chance to shut up.

#71: If she sounds cute on the phone, add 20 pounds.

#72: Sleep is for people without Internet access.

#73: Trying is the first step toward failure.

#74: Sometimes the dreams that come true are dreams you never even knew you had.

#75: Never make the same mistake twice … fill your day with a wide variety of mistakes from a large number of sources.

#76: If there’s a road less travelled, don’t take it. You won’t find beer.

#77: Don’t worry about people from your past. There’s a reason why they didn’t make it to your future.

#78: Jogging backwards will NOT help you gain weight.

#79: Always hold your girlfriend/wife’s hand at the mall. If you let it go, she will shop!!

#80: Women are made to be loved, not understood.

#81: We are born wet, naked, and hungry. Then things get worse …

#82: A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

#83: True love is never having to say “How was I ?”

#84: Never ask the cop to hold your beer while you dig out your drivers license.

#85: Alcohol doesn’t solve your problems … but then again, neither does milk.

#86: If a woman tells you “Fine. You do want you want.”, she means “If you do, I’ll stab you in your sleep!”

#87: Women and cats will do as they please; men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

#88: Even if you preface it with “I think strippers smell nice”, saying “You smell like a stripper” will be misconstrued.

#89: Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

#90: There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.

#91: Coffee can make you jumpy and irritable. There are also negative effects.

#92: Before you give somebody a piece of your mind, be sure you can get by with what you have left.

#93: The Jobcentre will not find it funny if you send them a bill for overtime because you carried out job searches on weekends, at night or bank holidays.

#94: Starting a sentence with “If you ask me” almost always indicates that no one asked you.

#95: Speak when you’re angry and you’ll make the best speech you’ll ever regret.

#96: There are three ways to get something done: Do it yourself, hire someone to do it, or forbid your kids to do it.

#97: experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

#98: Just because a path is well travelled does not mean it is the right way.

#99: Everything is funnier when you aren’t allowed to laugh.

#100: In an argument, a woman always has the last word. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.