Before you all go running for cover, this isn’t what you think it is!!
This is simply a list of rules that I’ve been tweeting over the last couple of months. I haven’t used them all yet but this is the full list … at least until I come up with some more!
#1: You’re born, you live, you die … you just have to figure out what you want to do in between.
#2: Yawning is the body’s way of saying ‘10% Battery Remaining’.
#3: You can’t be late until you show up.
#4: Just when you think you’ve got the answer … someone changes the question.
#5: Growing old is mandatory, but growing up is optional.
#6: Don’t run from a sniper. You’ll only die tired.
#7: There are very few problems that cannot be solved by a suitable application of high explosives.
#8: An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough.
#9: DON’T make decisions when you’re angry and DON’T make promises when you’re happy.
#10: When finding someone to date, drinking compatibility is more important than you think.
#11: Love your enemies. It will confuse them!
#12: If you’ve made it to thirty-five and your job still requires you to wear a name tag, you’ve made a serious vocational error
#13: There are seven billion people in this world … don’t let one ruin your day!
#14: When in doubt, mumble.
#15: Dates in your calendar are closer than they appear.
#16: Keep the dream alive … hit the snooze button.
#17: There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither one works.
#18: If you give a person a fish you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use Facebook and they won’t bother you for weeks.
#19: If you try and fail, you should erase all evidence that you tried.
#20: Women are like roads: the more curves they have, the more dangerous they are.
#21: All men are born free and equal. If they go and get married, that’s their own fault.
#22: Don’t make eye contact while eating a banana.
#23: Knowledge is power … if you know it about the right person.
#24: Duct tape is like violence: If it’s not working, you’re not using enough of it.
#25: Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
#26: Knowledge is knowing that pepper is a fruit. Wisdom is knowing not to put it in fruit salad.
#27: Forgive your enemies, but remember their names.
#28: Never go to bed angry. Stay up and plot your revenge.
#29: Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
#30: Girls are never wrong. Until they are … then they cry … and are, somehow, not wrong again.
#31: Using a remote control is the closest thing most of us will get to being wizards.
#32: Before you give somebody a piece of your mind, be sure you can get by with what you have left.
#33: If you can’t convince them, confuse them.
#34: In a perfect world you’d be able to mark people as spam in real life.
#35: True laziness is being excited when plans get cancelled.
#36: “Come with me if you want to live” is a great line for a movie … not so good when used during sex!
#37: What doesn’t kill you could come back to finish the job, so keep your wits about you.
#38: Women don’t hit harder. They just hit lower.
#39: Embrace your problems … and then make them somebody else’s.
#40: The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the one who is doing it.
#41: Nothing’s more expensive than a woman who is free on the weekend.
#42: Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass … it’s about learning to dance in the rain.
#43: The lazy rule: Can’t reach what you dropped? … then you don’t need it.
#44: You will know no greater panic than when you’re trying to press ‘End Call’ after dialling accidentally.
#45: Friends come and friends go … enemies accumulate.
#46: Trust that little voice in your head that says “Wouldn’t it be interesting if …”; and then do it.
#47: Take up pessimism … you will either be right or pleasantly surprised.
#48: When you’re talking to someone who is really attractive, the odds of you doing something stupid are multiplied by 100.
#49: Everything you do will be at least 100 times louder when you’re trying not to wake anyone up.
#50: Don’t say anything mean about people who can’t read … write it down instead.
#51: Just because you’re paranoid, it doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.
#52: Never take a bullet for anyone – if you have time to jump in front of the bullet, they have time to get out of the way.
#53: A good friend will take you to the hospital if you fall into a coma. A great friend will draw a moustache on you on the way.
#54: We don’t stop laughing because we grow old; We grow old because we stop laughing.
#55: Criticism is the best sign you’re onto something.
#56: Winning will always attract losers with opinions.
#57: Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
#58: You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
#59: If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
#60: If you can stay calm while all around you is chaos, then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.
#61: Sometimes too much to drink isn’t enough.
#62: On a first date, don’t let on that the cost of the meal worries you.
#63: Never make someone a priority in your life when you are only an option.
#64: A woman is a highly developed, deeply intelligent, infinitely complicated being … she needs to be carefully tricked into doing things.
#65: Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics.
#66: All people have the right to stupidity but far too many people abuse that privilege!
#67: Don’t be afraid of the dark … be afraid of what’s in the dark.
#68: Don’t fry bacon naked.
#69: The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
#70: You don’t learn much when your lips are moving, so never miss a good chance to shut up.
#71: If she sounds cute on the phone, add 20 pounds.
#72: Sleep is for people without Internet access.
#73: Trying is the first step toward failure.
#74: Sometimes the dreams that come true are dreams you never even knew you had.
#75: Never make the same mistake twice … fill your day with a wide variety of mistakes from a large number of sources.
#76: If there’s a road less travelled, don’t take it. You won’t find beer.
#77: Don’t worry about people from your past. There’s a reason why they didn’t make it to your future.
#78: Jogging backwards will NOT help you gain weight.
#79: Always hold your girlfriend/wife’s hand at the mall. If you let it go, she will shop!!
#80: Women are made to be loved, not understood.
#81: We are born wet, naked, and hungry. Then things get worse …
#82: A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
#83: True love is never having to say “How was I ?”
#84: Never ask the cop to hold your beer while you dig out your drivers license.
#85: Alcohol doesn’t solve your problems … but then again, neither does milk.
#86: If a woman tells you “Fine. You do want you want.”, she means “If you do, I’ll stab you in your sleep!”
#87: Women and cats will do as they please; men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
#88: Even if you preface it with “I think strippers smell nice”, saying “You smell like a stripper” will be misconstrued.
#89: Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
#90: There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.
#91: Coffee can make you jumpy and irritable. There are also negative effects.
#92: Before you give somebody a piece of your mind, be sure you can get by with what you have left.
#93: The Jobcentre will not find it funny if you send them a bill for overtime because you carried out job searches on weekends, at night or bank holidays.
#94: Starting a sentence with “If you ask me” almost always indicates that no one asked you.
#95: Speak when you’re angry and you’ll make the best speech you’ll ever regret.
#96: There are three ways to get something done: Do it yourself, hire someone to do it, or forbid your kids to do it.
#97: experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
#98: Just because a path is well travelled does not mean it is the right way.
#99: Everything is funnier when you aren’t allowed to laugh.
#100: In an argument, a woman always has the last word. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.